post card from hell

so its been a while since i made one of these.
so i spent most of the winter months stiitin at my computer typing the word
LOL on forums and in responses to jokes i really don't find funny. but i use slang and jargon because i like to be part of something im really not a part of , and act like i care about people who dont give a shit about me in real life.
i didnt even notice i gained some extra baggage.

time had passed me by and all i had to show for it was a worn out Bauhaus cd and lots of coke bottles.
i was depressed and down i won dered how did i come to this


but lets go back a few monnths.
you see all this happened when i lost my job
i always worked well with children
until that one incendet

i was fired but found a new job as a judge on a little miss Tennessee beauty pagent.

but the work was not steady

i found a new job asa professional Christmas card model.
but my heart was not in the job.
what was wrong with me?
i was at the top of my game

i had women who loved me
lots of money and fame but

something was missing

Maybe it was food. it had always filled the void of my being before.

i gaine d30 pounds in weeks. i was fat and sassy.
one day while eating 40$ worth of food at burger king my typical lunch i realized no its not food . its music. that i loved. that was my dream. although it took me 40 years to relaize my dream.
i was going to join a heavy metal band.

to be continued

the end ?

tonight i admitted my wife to the mental ward ofa hospital i came home and found her latest suicide attempt a failed one at that .
i had came homeand found she had placed all her pilsl in one jar and filled it with milk and began to drink it. i smahed the glass on the floor and took her to the ER
all night i held her hand as she confided in me she had wished i didnt come home and wished that she were dead. instead of with me.
the strange comings and going of the phyche ward
the man mummbled behind me. "
my heart broken and excited
the twin impulses of desire and love
i felt a hidden fact had been reveialed i had been givin a choise to contune to not know my self
a lack of charity a sense of pride at my own failure and defeat
i sat in her hospital room holding her hand . a s the sun set in the west.
the rooms blue pain i followed its coloer to a window the swindow had somehtign liek deep ingraned blood smear and fingernail scrapings. the red sunlight fell through the cracks in the window.
a mad man sat at atable talkign to him self

i began to melt agian i began to lower my defences at the cosat of her health i finialy
began to crumble and i was left with my self a disgusting peice of filth i saw my self as a unfeelign selfish monster who in order to protect him self had put htis barrer that did more harm than good