new video

my head felt likea house on fire

the conception of joseph part 2

the male body the brother the father. the son

vauge dissatifaction with life

i lost somehtign and i cant remeber what it is

i didnt use to feel this way
i feel really strnage on the one hand i feel kind of depressed beacuse i feel i have no social network or support network
i feel like i am alone. a antisocial artist in a attic making shitty little films
thinking about his own past.

i feel a growing a depression , i feel soemthign deep in me broke and i feel like my stregth is saped by it.
like i lost something and i cant remeber what it is.

i have been workign non stop on conceving joseph part 2 but its like hte only thing that keeps me going , its like this shiny little treat i can go and work on when hte depression gets to much i cant fall into it

its al about music and becxomign a man juxtopositioed to fandom and music and fatherhood and manhood.
i feel its agreat acomplishment although im sure no one will like it but me

i feel like al lmy so caleld freinds are out ot get me im getitng paranoid. i think back to all the time i spent back in tacoma and how many of these people stabbed me in back it felt like and others who really did support me. i know who my freinds are.

i feel likem y own recusivness has left me depressed and with outa network . i feel vulrable and low self confedince. im not sure where to g ohere
i feel not good enough and people will judge me as i get older i have little to show for my work

Dead fingers talk

AH grew up ina very christian household

somethings i think happened to me but i cant remeber not do i know for sure.

in many ways i felt that there were to much buried in my mind.
but figured it would be to hard to and dark to even lookinto

there was alwaysa sea of chemecals to drown out the darkness and swim i nthe sunlight
\
i grew intoa fine yet unmemorable young man a strnage young man who prefred imginary freinds to real ones

although i found out recently i havea kind of PTSD.

form somehtign that happened to me.
i can only guess on what cuased it from the millionso f shitty things that happened to me as a kid
it left me with lots of nager guilt and feelings of persecution and paranoia

recently i have taken the feeling of lonelyness by people i thought were my freinds not comming to my support reopend horrible feelings inside me.
like a old rusty bridge collapsing

all i ever wanted was to be loved by freinds but all i ever got was the dead mask of distance from them i wanted a fater too all i got wasa corpse to idenify at the mourge.